Guest post
It’s an unfortunate fact of life that not all relationships work out. People change, feelings change, and couples go their separate ways. But when children are involved, the dynamics of a break-up become much more complex. With little minds and hearts to protect, it becomes less about you and more about them.
A parental break-up can have a negative effect on a child’s emotional wellbeing if the separation is not handled with sensitivity, and with recent studies showing that nearly 50% of children experience their parents separating before they are 16 years old, knowing how to separate with minimum disruption to their lives is key. Senior divorce lawyer Henry Brookman of Brookman Family Solicitors explains more.
How to tell them
How you break the news to your children is a key first step in enabling a positive family life going forward. If you can, tell them as a couple so they hear the news from both of you together. This united front shows that you are both still committed parents, even though you won’t be living together.
Ease their young minds by making it absolutely clear that this decision was not caused by them. Children can sometimes feel as though a family break-up is their fault and blame themselves for something they have said or done. As long as they know this was a decision made by adults, feelings of guilt should not become an issue.
Give them love
When children find out that their parents are separating, they could experience anxieties like they are being abandoned or are no longer loved. It is important to reassure them in abundance that you still both love them
Make them aware that they are your number one priority and you that will always, always care about them. Giving them lots of emotional support, and allowing the other parent to do the same, will make them feel safe and secure in their relationships with both of you.
Protect them from adult issues
Little ears don’t need to be privy to adult arguments. No matter how much acrimony you feel towards the other party, or how unfair you feel the separation is, your child’s wellbeing depends on not being exposed to this. When telling your child about the separation, keep information on a need to know basis and make sure it is age appropriate.
Your child shouldn’t be used as someone to offload your thoughts and feelings to, use a friend or even a counsellor for that. In addition, avoid bad-mouthing the other parent in front of them, and definitely avoid negative confrontations and arguments when they are around.
Consider setting ground rules with the other parent that you will always stay civil and positive in front of the children, and leave the adult issues to be sorted out in private.
Support network
You, as parents, will be a large portion of your child’s support network. Encourage them to be open with any thoughts and feelings they may have, listen with a kind ear, and be patient as they try to express themselves. Allow them to have a similar supportive relationship with the other parent, and don’t make them feel guilty for speaking to either of you.
Other prominent adults in their lives should also be made aware of the situation so they can also keep a close eye and be there if needed. Think close family members and friends, school teachers and club coaches.
If you do notice that your child is struggling with processing any difficult emotions and perhaps exhibiting negative behaviour changes, they may also benefit from speaking to a doctor, social worker or psychologist. The more they speak about their concerns, fears and feelings, the easier it will be for them to process them and move forward positively.
About the Author:
Henry Brookman is a divorce solicitor and senior partner at Brookman, a highly experienced family law firm, with expertise in a full range of family legal matters including divorce in the UK and internationally, complex financial issues, property settlements and children’s matters. Brookman is ranked by the Legal 500 and has been awarded the Law Society’s quality mark, Lexcel. For more information visit www.brookman.co.uk.
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