Guest blog from Karen Hackman of Money and Marriage
Managing finances as a couple can be challenging, particularly when one partner is totally overwhelmed or reluctant to talk about money. You may not only struggle to talk about money but also face differences in income, existing debts, and completely different money mindsets.
So, how do you manage money successfully as a couple?
Believe me, there is a way to get on the same financial page, create money goals, and crush them as a team.
Read on to discover how!
Money is the top issue that married couples argue about, and it’s the second leading cause of divorce, right after infidelity. When discussing money in any relationship, it’s almost a 100% guarantee that you’ll have times of disappointment and frustration.
Getting on the same financial page can be a tricky journey; after all, two people from two different backgrounds may not have been brought up to think about money in the same way.
You have to work together to create a new page where you think and work together as a team.
When you feel that you’re ready to talk about money, or you’d like to treat yourself to something extravagant, find a time that suits you both when you’re not rushing out of the door and not expecting visitors.
Remember that the comparison trap is the thief of joy, and what works for your friends may not work for you.
Here are my tips to get you talking about money:
Financial Checkup: Know Each Other’s Financial Situation
Many couples avoid discussing money before marriage, but this can be fatal.
Past financial mistakes can impact your future together, so it’s important to understand each other’s financial situation.
It’s only fair that you are both aware of each other’s financial situation before you get married.
Understanding your partner’s spending habits and overall financial picture will help you make informed decisions on how to merge your finances after marriage.
Understand Your Partner’s Debt
It’s essential to understand if your partner has any debt before combining finances. If necessary, work together to pay down debts. You should also be honest if you have any debt too.
Before you get married, I strongly suggest that you keep your finances separate. For example, avoid opening a joint account, co-signing, or adding your partner as an authorised user.
I have heard many stories where one partner clears thousands of pounds worth of debt, only to find the relationship terminated a few months later.
Create an Actionable Budget
Gather all your bills and paperwork and put everything on the table. It’s important that there are no secrets here.
Calculate your monthly expenses, combined income, and what’s left after all expenses. Don’t forget to include potential wedding or honeymoon costs. It’s also helpful to set spending limits.
Before you get married, agree on a set amount each of you can spend without consulting the other. This isn’t about control; it’s about setting clear expectations in an open and honest environment.
Read more: Create a budget in 6 easy steps
After Marriage: Keep a Joint Bank Account
Some couples believe that keeping separate cheque accounts is the best way to avoid money arguments. However, this approach can lead to major problems. You can hide things when you have separate accounts.
Take it from me, marriage is a partnership; it’s no longer “his and her money.” Separating money and splitting bills can lead to more financial and relationship problems down the road. Instead, put all your money together and view it as a whole.
Have a Financial Date Night
Talking about money should be a healthy, ongoing conversation—there’s no need to wait for something to go wrong. Set aside time each month to discuss money and create an actionable budget. If you need a super simple budgeting tool to get you started, check out my Happy Couple’s Budgeting Tool.
Discuss Lifestyle Choices Together
For example, you might be content shopping at charity shops, while your spouse prefers buying name-brand items at full price. If your income doesn’t support an expensive lifestyle, this could be a problem.
Marriage requires compromise. If one of you has more expensive tastes, consider shopping at outlet malls to get those brands at lower prices. You need to think WIN – WIN and find a way that works for you both.
Recognise that you are Different
Everyone’s attitude toward money is different, and opposites often attract. One partner might enjoy creating a spreadsheet and looking at the numbers, while the other prefers not to be restricted by financial details.
In most marriages (but definitely not always true), one spouse might be a saver, and the other a spender. This exactly describes my husband and I! I am the saver – the nerd – and my husband is the spender! While it did cause a few problems at the beginning of our marriage, we have worked it out. I help my husband to rein in his spending, and he helps me be less frugal and enjoy our money by purchasing experiences for the family!
Don’t Let Salary Differences Come Between You
In many marriages, it’s quite normal for one partner to earn more than the other. However, it’s important to view income as “ours” rather than “yours” or “mine.” There shouldn’t be any quarrelling about who earns more; you’re a team now, and you should both have an equal say in the family finances.
Be Open and Honest
Being unfaithful in a marriage doesn’t always involve an affair; it can also mean being dishonest about finances. Having a secret bank account or credit card is underhand. It is vital that you are open and honest about any accounts or credit cards. If you are both aware of the full picture, you can make an actionable plan and create money goals. But this will only work if you are truthful.
Set Expectations Together
The movies and social media have portrayed unrealistic expectations for relationships in many areas. One of these areas is personal finances. Many newlyweds have unrealistic expectations about money. For example, many young people want to move into a new home with a new future and expect the house to be clean 24/7! They also presume to have at least two holidays overseas each year. I hate to break it to you, but that’s an unrealistic expectation.
Newlyweds need to focus on getting their finances in order now so that they can plan for such luxuries later. For example, when we first got married, we had second-hand furniture that was given to us. It was a mix and match, but it worked. It definitely wasn’t designer and nothing like you see in the magazines, and that was okay. We knew that we couldn’t afford brand new, so it was never a problem. I believe that if you go in with realistic expectations, you won’t be disappointed or thousands of pounds in debt. You get to choose.
Summary
Building a solid marriage requires time and intentionality. While it may be awkward or frustrating, you can learn to discuss finances in an open and honest environment, and that’s what matters.
For many couples, the only time they talk about money is when they are arguing. It doesn’t have to be that way. Learn from my mistakes and find a way to talk positively about money. If you are willing to be open and honest with one another, show grace, and talk in a calm, non-judgmental environment, then we can change that.
About the Author:
Karen Hackman is a finance coach who specialises in that sometimes awkward conversation of finances in a relationship – and how to do it without arguing.Â
After many years of fighting endlessly with her husband about their spending habits, Karen realised there were limited resources available for couples in that situation.
So, once she worked out how to speak to her husband – without having an argument – she decided to create her own supportive space, and began offering one-on-one coaching programs alongside free resources to encourage couples to become financially literate in a healthy way.
You can connect with her on Instagram or email her at hello@moneyandmarriage.net
Download Karen’s FREE eBook: “Get On The Same Financial Page As Your Spouse”Â
If you want to talk about money with your partner – without arguing, then you need to read my FREE eBook, How To Get On The Same Financial Page As Your Spouse.
Read my top, practical, actionable tips on how you can talk to your spouse about money – without arguing!
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